THANKSGIVING PRAYER
Holy Father, forgive us our exaggerated gratitude.
We are here today as sinners come for dinner, drinking
from the Holy Goblet like turkeys trussed in false
dressings, giving thanks for Thy unsuccessful blessings,
bestowed upon the ingrates who sit upon the dinner plates.
We give thanks in dread, hoping that Thou will not
similarly, by the neck, chop off our heads.
We grovel in our gratitude for the gravy that you give,
which is the only source of joy in the otherwise dreary
lives that we live. With deepest sobriety and outward
appearance of propriety, we pitiably and piously propitiate
before Thee, in hope of a heaping piece of pie.
We know that Thou will destroy us, but that we will
never know why.
We know that our rituals are slightly neurotic, but
our Faith, to us, is like a narcotic. Forgive us the sin
of overstuffed satiation, which surely must be the
stuff of Satan.
We know that it is a sin to pray in sarcasm, so we wait
to be hurled into the fiery chasm.
We know that Thou will hit us, but we don't know when.
We give thanks in fearful hope that Thou will not
hurt us, again. Amen.
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