| Re: Texas Chili Cook-off |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (blood@thirsty.net) |
2009/02/09 19:52 |
On Mon, 09 Feb 2009 20:04:23 GMT, Ghost <deadly@night.shade> wrote:
>On Feb 7, 2009, darkshadows:: wrote:
>
>>
>>
>> Texas Chili Cook-off
>>
>> If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
>> hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
>> relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in San Antonio Oct 2005.
>>
>> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
>> the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
>> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
>> They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
>> around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
>> Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
>> Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
>>
>> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
>> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
>> happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
>> directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
>> assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
>> wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have
>> free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
>>
>>
>>
>> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>
>> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
>> could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
>> the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>> seriously.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
>> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
>> wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
>> beer when they saw the look on my face.
>>
>> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
>> feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
>> now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
>> back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
>> plowed from all of the beer.
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
>> or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
>> unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
>> the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300
>> lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm
>> eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
>> admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
>> I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
>> needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
>> that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
>> bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
>> I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
>> asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>> spices and peppers.
>>
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
>> garlic.Superb.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
>> sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried
>> it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
>> me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
>> butt with a snow cone.
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
>> peppers.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>> chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
>> worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is
>> cursing uncontrollably.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
>> sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
>> chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
>> lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
>> what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
>> Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
>> suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
>> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
>> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
>> passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
>> Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
>> reacted to really hot chili?
>>
>> Judge # 3 - No Report
>>
>
>Nice amusing reporting. I've seen the Texas Chili cook off on the food
>network and can believe this tale. lol
Yep, have been to some chili cook-offs personally.
Wonder how the chili does not eat a hole through the cups they serve
it in.
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