History Lesson
12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer and would
go to the beach and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and
the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst
for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum cans were invented yet, so
our early human ancestors just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages
were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while
they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the
Conservative movement".
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the
conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, weaving
and hair dressing. This was the beginning of "the Liberal movement." Some of
these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as
'girleymen'.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
trade union, class action lawsuits, the invention of group therapy & group hugs
and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer
that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well
done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists, hair dressers, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented baseball's designated hitter rule
because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer and eat red meat & potatoes. Conservatives
are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical
doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally
anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own
companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and
decide what to do with the production. They also like to take money away from
successful people and give it to the failures. Liberals believe Europeans are
more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild
West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
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