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Subject: Australia
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Australia
The following gem is by Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Galaxy"fame. It is an amazing insight into Australia - prepare yourself!
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the
bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many
unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite
taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep
into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an
accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it
the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up
a more frightening theory but they can't spell either!
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the
place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as
either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be
divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true
that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9
of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most
poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However there are
curiously few snakes, possible because the spiders have killed them all.
But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be
careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet
seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is
very useful for this task.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus - estranged
relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed
feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the
electric eel and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus
combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable
creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
First, a short history:
Sometime around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the
north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones
who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper
place in the scheme of things and spiders. They settled in and spent a
lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and
stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn
(failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from
the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot
of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is
interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves
vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie,
cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) -
whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the
middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended
Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused
by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a
person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the
core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of
checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also
picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the
Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply
the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually
venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging
jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea,
pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back
that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders.
However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk. As a result of all
this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to
be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always
willing to share a kind word with a stranger.
Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile
disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been
performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is
Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim
that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the
land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and
"Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth."
The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveler, though. Do not,
under any circumstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you
are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a
Hawaiian shirt.
Religion and Politics are fairly safe topics of conversation,
(Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield.
The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best
(insert your own regional swear word here) country in the world!". It is
very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt'
you on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is
served.
Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation
rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a
foul taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.
Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal
difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to
the pub", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook.
Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you
encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage and noting how
strong the beer was.
Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary
use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
Typical Australian sayings:-
* "G'Day!"
* "She'll be right mate."
Tips to Surviving Australia:
* Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you
think it is.
* Always carry a stick.
* Air-conditioning is imperative.
* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained
linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
* Wear thick socks.
* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
people nearby.
* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you
at all times, or you will die.
* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is
always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
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