I think I was always destined to be attracted to young people of a certain age.
This belief is mostly due to my history. I have no explaination for
it, only the knowledge that it wasn't a result of molestation or
internet porn.
The first recollection I have of attraction to a boy was as a boy, to
an older boy. I was 7, he 9.
He was a slightly chubby yet muscly, olive-skinned Italian boy and he
was glistening with water from a Slip N Slide in his back yard at his
hot, sunny, summer birthday party.
We were called over by his mom to have hot dogs. I basically lost
control and went from making him laugh by saying, "You look like a
yummy hot dog!" to making him a little uneasy by saying, "I'm gonna eat
you!" to making him scream for his mom when I tackled him to the ground
and started to bite him (albeit gently and not at all with
skin-breaking intent). His mom came out and asked what was happening.
He told her and I was sent home with a scolding for biting. I remember
feeling embarassed and a little ashamed since I knew I had gone a
little nuts. We remained friends and I didn't ever "try anything" with
him, but it was something I've always remembered. That and how cute he
was. His younger sister was a little hottie too, especially in her
teens. Good thing for her, her brother grew into a muscle-bound bronze
god.
I fell in love a year later with a 16yo boy who played keyboards in the
band of my up-the-street neighbors. I must have looked like the most
incredible faggot. I just sat on a bench in their back yard while he
played a couple feet away, staring at him, and asking him to show me
how to play his organ between songs. ;-) They let me sing a few
times, because I had a great voice, but there was no internet then and
the lyrics to the songs weren't quite complete. I would hum the words
I didn't know, but I was really glad that my keyboard boy thought I did
well. Steely Dan, Led Zeppelin, and Bill Joel, and that beautiful
teenage boy with his sweet eyes and blond hair...ahhh...
Two years later, I had a friend my own age whom I crushed on rather
hard. We were compatible in almost every way, including, as I found
out later, our non-exclusive attraction to girls. We were mostly
attracted to each other's brains, but I really melted whenever I looked
at his picture in our class photo and birthday party photos. We never
messed around, just spent a lot of time talking and laughing and doing
boy stuff. When I moved away, we exchanged lettters a few times, but I
didn't see him again for ten years. It turned out we liked the same
kinds of music and he was a very handsome young bank teller. Some
music he liked was not really my favorite, but I knew why the guys who
liked it, liked it. These were The Pet Shop Boys, Madonna, and Depeche
Mode. He was a VERY nice dresser and when we talked, he sat with
crossed legs, and a stereotypical limp wrist. Though I was attracted
to the young man he had become, I found him more effeminate than I
cared for, I had a boyfriend at the time, and did not feel the impulse
to make a move on him when we were in his room. I had gained more
self-control since the hot-dog incident.
From age 10 through 17 or so, I noticed that my AOA changed from older
boys to younger boys. It seemed to hover at around 12-16. At age 18,
I noticed that my AOA for boys could become problematic and I started
to research the topic of paraphilias in general, realizing that I
wasn't attracted to pre-pupescent boys sexually, only emotionally, but
that fit and skinny boys from 12-16 gave me very strong stirrings down
below. I had heard, as just about everyone now over the age of six
has, of the term "pedophile", and was very concerned that this was what
I was. I did not want to cause any trouble for myself or others with
my attraction and resolved to read as much as I could to figure out how
I could live with this. Of course, living in a primitive culture,
there is not much material out there which doesn't come with a lot of
unnecessary demonization and condemnation, and that material which does
not condemn often condones. I was not looking for justification to
molest teenage boys, I was looking for support in dealing with those
feelings in constructive ways. Again, living in a monkey cage like
this world, where people who don't have these feelings are unable to
get over their shock and disgust long enough to hear a great many of us
begging for some real HELP, I had to just "suck it up" so-to-speak, and
remind myself daily that I can't LOOK, let alone touch, unless I look
from behind mirrored lenses from an angle, or like now, from behind a
computer screen, the ultimate mirrored lense.
You didn't ask, but I'll also describe my attraction to females:
I was a boy who never understood social rules like "Don't talk to
strangers." or "Boys aren't supposed to like girls until they are
older, and then they aren't really supposed to LIKE them, just LUST for
them while having contempt for them in every other way." As man, I am
still confused by the social rules of this monkey cage.
I was very lucky to find a girl who cherished me as I did her at age
two. We bonded in a way I think few toddlers do. Both of us spoke
quite well at that age and did so constantly with each other about
everything. We also talked to adults without "needing" anything, just
to talk. Interestingly, we both ended up in journalism.
I fell in love for the first time with a girl. But she was in a
painting. "Girl With a Watering Can"
http://artmight.com/Artists/Pierre-Auguste-Renoir-1841-1919/girl-with-a-watering-can-54372p.html
It wasn't the image, but the daydreams I had of her, the fantasy, that
I was in love with. When I met a girl who looked just like her, I
pursued a friendship with her, but quickly found that I was just
chasing a fantasy, and the likeness she bore outside did not match the
sweet, kind girl I imagined.
Really, it was the same with boys. I was always searching for a sweet,
kind soul who could hold me, kiss me lovingly, and take away the pain I
felt over my parents' troubled marriage and specifically my father's
inability to love any of us.
I found a girl who was just like that, but when I accepted her offer to
stay the night in a sleep-over, we both learned a harsh lesson of
sexual apartheid, ala the monkey cage rules. It was extremely
traumatic for me, as I was very fond of the girl, and she of me. There
was no reason, even in the fact of our feelings, to keep us from a
sleep over since neither of us had any knowledge (age 8) of sex.
I had a girlfriend in the 5th grade, who I held hands with but didn't
fool around with. My best friend at the time (age 11) had a gf (age
12) with whom he had sex and with whom he made-out with and fondled her
breasts before other kids in a circle on the playground (BTW,where the
fuck were the adults?) on an almost daily basis.
I had a gf two years later to whom I wrote a very detailed description
of what I would like to do together after school at her convenience.
I had done some research. Apparently, she had no idea that such things
were done, by anyone, she was very upset and frightened, and showed the
letter to her parents. The result was not pleasant. My parents were
reasonable about it, told me that my feelings were natural but that the
letter was unusual and a bit shocking, and told me I had to apologize
to the girl and her family. I did, and never wrote another letter like
that again without first getting some indication from the other person
that they felt the same way.
In high school, I realized I was bi and made an effort to befriend the
outcast GLBT kids in my school. There was a clique formed around these
kids, actually, by a group of retro hippy types who were socially
liberal, mostly hetero, and incredibly supportive. I never came out in
HS, but made it my business to put people in their place who talked
shit about my friends and other GLBT people.
Younger guys often globbed onto me, sometimes at school , but
especially younger guys in my scout troop, neighborhood boys, or boys I
baby sat whose parents didn't have a clue that I was attracted to their
sons, but somehow didn't want anyone but me to babysit them. I never
did anything worthy of frowning upon, but was very available to those
boys for affection, which often involved them climbing into my lap,
with me gently stroking their hair, arms, and lower legs, with an
occasional kiss on the forehead when they told me they loved me. Sure,
I am a boy lover, but since I was a teenager, I was just as much loved
by boys as I was a boylover. Once a boy below my AOA started to dry
hump me when he was lying on top of me in my room. He was one of the
kids I babysat for, along with his sister. They had come over to my
house because their mom was my mom's good friend. His sister was a
couple years older and was interested in sex early, having asked me
previously when I got up from a game of "Sorry!" to use the bathroom
"Ooh...can I watch?" She was quite serious. I let her down easy,
telling her not to be embarassed but explaining it would really not be
right and could get us both into a lot of trouble. I hadn't noticed
right away what her brother was doing, since I was holding him while
talking to him and his sister. He started off humping me slowly, to
the same rhythm that I stroked his hair, by the time was really getting
into it, I was paying more attention to what his sister and I were
talking about. Suddenly she said to her brother with a nervous laugh,
"What are you DOING?" Since he was only about nine, and probably
didn't even know himself what he was doing, just that it felt good, in
one fluid motion, I very gently moved out from under him, picked him
up, and sat him sideways in my lap and held him gently while we just
forgot about it and went on talking. Sure, he had a boner, but he
probably had no idea, and I had no interest in mentioning it. I loved
the kids whom I babysat and the kids who looked up to me. I never
thought of them as potential sex objects. I never thought of anyone as
any kind of object.
I had one boyfriend in high school, though it was just a BFF type thing
until the last year. I had a gf who was sexually accomodating and I
didn't think his feeling for me were the same as mine, until the last
summer when we totally did it. It was great. BFF plus passionate
teenage gay sex equals JOY.
I broke up with my girlfriend in the Fall, realizing that I had cheated
on her and that I really wanted to be with my real lover and didn't
want to lead her on. I broke her heart, telling her I didn't love her
the way she loved me and that I didn't think I would, but she took up
with one of my other good friends in a month who had researched the
G-spot and found hers after a week. Her heart was just fine after that.
My affair with my bf lasted three more summers and one winter, but
somehow just ended. I went to college, and he hit the bottle.
Somehow, some way, what I thought was the perfect love just…evaporated.
I can't explain it. We actually never had contact again for 15 years.
By then, he'd been married and divorced twice, was bald with a pot
belly, and was way out of my AOA, and I was out of his social circle's
range of acceptable life partners (redneck in Nebraska). He never got
an education, and never explored an "alternate lifestyle" after me.
My AOA for females has stablized at a range of 14-24, rarely older than
30. My AOA has remained most strong at 12-16, but I am pleasantly
surprised to find I am becoming more attracted to young men as old as
20. Maybe I'll get lucky while taking a community college class some
day and a nice young guy for whom age is not a factor, or who is into
guys in their mid 40s, will make me happy and let me make him happy. I
think if I can get into an LTR with a younger guy ,or maybe a younger
woman, I cand keep their youthful image in my mind as we both grow
older. That's what I hope for, but it's not that likely.
I have never married, never seriously dated anyone, and have NEVER had
sex with anyone under 18 since I was under 18. I am not a monster.
But being in a monkey cage, as I am, I have little choice but to hide
who I am. I won't move to or vacation in another country so I can
sexually exploit impoverished children. I won't betray a child's trust
by seducing them or even accepting THEIR advances, which has happened
before. I am one of the world's most trustworthy people on EARTH, yet
were I to be honest about my feelings and attractions, I would be a
pariah, and I can't socially "cash-in" on my exemplary trustworthiness
either. What a bummer.
I just saw a 30yo woman comic tell a joke on Conan that was interesting:
"I'm so excited to be here, I'm actually celebrating something tonight.
I'm FINALLY sleeping with my high school crush. [enthusiastic
audience: wooohs and applause] Yeah, but now he like EXPECTS me to go
to his graduation [slightly less enthusiastic audience laughter]. Like
I know where I'm gonna be in THREE YEARS, right?" [slightly MORE
enthusiastic audience: laughter and applause]
If that were a 30yo comic MAN...well, I don't even have to say it.
MONKEY CAGE!
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