Chapter 5 Mummy and Daddy Decide on a Course of Action
"Good morning, dear!" Rodger exuberantly greeted Angela, who was
sitting at the table nibbling on half an apple, "Another week, a few
more bob. Coffee done?"
"I poured you a cup, love." Angela replied and nodded toward the
counter. Then in completely casual manner she added, "I think you
need to talk to your son."
"What about?" Roger asked as he sat down across from her. He popped
two slices of bread in the toaster and picked up the morning paper.
"He didn't wet the bed again, did he?"
"Oh, no." his wife replied, a bemused smile crossing her lips,
"Something far more interesting than that."
"So are we playing ten questions?" her husband replied impatiently.
Angela chewed on her apple thoughtfully, and then looked directly at
him.
"You remember that thumping sound coming from Nigel's room last
night?"
"Yes," Roger replied, "What in heaven's name was he doing, anyway?"
chin in suspense, "Nigel was having a go at Pooh."
"What do you mean?"
Angela gave Roger an intense look over the rim of her cup. Roger
simply started blankly back.
"You know. Going at him ..."Angela said impatiently, and murmured,
"He was having a hump with Pooh."
"You're kidding!" he exclaimed, "Shagging his teddy?"
"Strueth, Roger, I swear," his wife replied and lowered her voice to
barely a whisper, "He'd thrown off the covers, shucked off his pyjamas
"So why should I talk to him?" Roger gazed back at her and smiled.
"Why? Well, I am a little concerned," his wife admitted, "Where do
you think Nigel has learned about such behaviour?"
"Probably hasn't learned it from anywhere at all. Boys are like that
the chance."
lowered her voice again, "Nigel was actually in the position."
"And what position was that?" Roger smirked, "On top or from the
rear?"
"I think he was on top," she whispered.
"Well, that's my boy!" her husband proclaimed in mock pride, "We've
got nothing to worry about!"
tonight, and see what's going on?"
"He's only seven years old," Roger complained, "What could I possibly
tell him about sex?"
"Quiet! Here he comes," his wife suddenly said, and held a finger to
her lips.
And sure enough, down the stairs came a bedraggled Nigel, his hair all
scruffy and his pyjama top inside out and twisted queerly around. He
shuffled into the kitchen with his hands tucked in the front of his
pyjama bottoms.
"Good morning, Nigel," his mother sang out warmly.
"Good morning!" his father smiled, "Hard night, my randy little
fellow?"
Angela gave him kick from under the table.
"Good morning, Mummy," Nigel replied, his eyes hardly open, "Good
morning, Daddy."
The little boy removed his hands long enough to climb up into his
usual chair. He sat down, wearily laid his head on the table and then
slipped his hands back under his waist band.
"Why, what's the matter, Nigel?" Roger asked, "Is something bothering
you?"
"My willy."
"Your willy?"
The boy nodded grimly.
"It's Pooh's fault. He was rubbing it and now it hurts like I got
soap in it," he whined, "Can you look at it, Mummy?"
Angela gave Roger a vindicated look, and then gave Nigel a reassuring
smile.
"Go along up to the bathroom, dear," she replied, "And I'll be right
up."
Nigel got down off the chair and shuffled out of the kitchen.
him go up the staircase. "Please."
"Alright," her husband conceded, "I'll talk to him, but I haven't a
bloody clue what I'll say to a little boy with a chafed willy from
banging his own teddy."
"I'm sure you'll think of something, dear."
Chapter 6 Roger Learns the Danger of a Little Education
That evening, Roger returned home late from work. Angela gave him a
hug as he wearily hung up his hat and his overcoat in the foyer and
set his briefcase on the kitchen table.
"Are you going to talk to Nigel?" she asked.
"Yes, yes," he sighed, "First supper, and then a bath."
"You're a dear, love," Angela said, giving him a kiss. She glanced
over his shoulder and spotted a book on top of his brief case.
"What's that?"
"Oh, that," Roger said with a laugh, picking up the book. "I stopped
by the library on the way. Was afraid I'd have to carry it out in a
brown bag."
He handed her the text. She read the title: A Man's Complete Guide
to Sexual Anatomy and Function.
"I just want you to just have a little talk with Nigel," she frowned,
"Not give him a dissertation."
terminology," he explained, then took the book and fanned through the
pages, "And it's got pictures!"
"Wonderful," Angela said dubiously, "I'm sure that will be a huge
help."
The fact of the matter was that Roger hadn't a clue what he'd say to
Nigel. So after supper, when he went up to run the bath, he took his
library book with him. He set it on the toilet tank, hoping its mere
presence might inspire. Stepping into the tub and sinking into the
steaming water, Roger sighed contentedly. His tense shoulders had
just begun to relax when there was a small knock at the door.
"Yes?" Roger asked.
The door promptly swung open and Nigel stepped in. Roger bolted
upright and covered his privates with a wash cloth.
"What the blazes do you want, son?" the man sputtered.
"Hello, Daddy," Nigel smiled, and then business-like he slid his
smalls down to his ankles, lifted the lid of the toilet and climbed on
to the seat. There was a trickling sound.
"Oh," Roger commented, a bit chagrined, "Well, be quick about it. I'd
like to finish my bath in peace."
The boy reached back, flushed the toilet, and obediently climbed back
off the seat. Then, without warning, he promptly stripped off his
shirt and draped it on the toilet tank.
"What book is this?" The boy asked curiously, kicking off his
underwear. He picked it up.
"That's Daddy's book." Roger said hastily, sitting up a bit
straighter, "Now put it down, get dressed and go out, please."
"It's a big book," Nigel noted and quickly flipped through the pages.
"And it's got pictures!"
"Yes, yes! Now put it down and out you go!"
The boy reluctantly placed it back on the toilet tank and turned to
his father.
"It's got naked ladies." Nigel noted, peeling of his right sock, "Is
it a naughty book?"
light reading."
"Can I get in the bath with you?" the boy asked suddenly, peeling off
his left sock. "My willy stings."
But to no avail. Nigel climbed into the bath. He wedged himself at
the far end, between his daddy's big feet.
"Oh, why not?" Roger conceded and secured the placement of his wash
cloth with a hand.
There was an uncomfortable silence while Nigel absent-mindedly paddled
the surface of the water with his toes.
"Daddy?" the boy abruptly asked, "Why do we get elections?"
"Elections?" Roger quipped, "Are you thinking of going into politics?"
Nigel scowled at him impatiently.
"No, Daddy. An election." The boy thrust his bottom up to make his
point obvious.
"No, Nigel," his father said, somewhat taken aback, "That's an
erection. Not an election. Now please sit back down."
Nigel plopped back into the water. He folded his hands over his lap
and stared across the tub at his father. Roger stared back.
"Son, wouldn't you prefer I explain politics?" his dad grimaced, "It
would be so much easier."
Nigel shook his head.
older you'll probably fall in love with a girl, get married and have
"I don't like girls very much." Nigel noted.
"When you're MUCH older," his father corrected, "Now, having an
"It feels tickly?" Nigel interrupted.
"Rub it?" Nigel suggested.
"So you'll enjoy copulation with your wife, so you'll want to have
children." Roger said, rolling his eyes at his own explanation. He
was breaking into a sweat.
"What is com-pu-ta-tion?"
"Computation?" Roger laughed, "Why, that's arithmetic."
The boy started paddling his feet in the water in mounting
frustration.
"No, Daddy. Not that!"
"Sorry," his father apologised again, and then explained, "When a man
and a woman love each other they copulate, or have sex together."
"Why?"
"Well, so the mummy will have a baby." Roger replied.
"How?" Nigel asked.
Roger paused, gazing at his son and hoping perhaps if he gazed long
enough, the boy would lose interest. But Nigel merely gazed back
expectantly.
"Angina?" Nigel asked.
"VA-gina," Roger replied, "Angina is a heart condition, son. At any
At last here was something Nigel understood, and he leaned forward.
Seeing the boy's sudden interest, Roger was reassured, so he
continued.
"Seamen?" his son asked, "Like on a ship?"
"No, Nigel. Not sailors." His father replied, clearing his throat.
walnut-looking thing under your penis. Well, the sperm have little
vagina, through the uterus and into the fallopian tubes where the ovum
from the woman awaits and, Bob's your uncle, you've got a baby! So,
there it is. That's why we have erections, and that's how your mummy
and daddy got you."
The man paused to catch his breath. Nigel was staring across the tub
at him, perplexed.
"So, do you have any questions?" Roger finished, giving a weak smile.
"Why was Jack late, Daddy?" Nigel finally asked.
"No, no. E-JAC-U-LATES." Roger replied a bit impatiently, "Shoots out
disappointment. He was silent for a time as he mulled over his
daddy's information.
Then he began paddling again.
Roger frowned. He thought he'd been doing so well, too.
"Alright," his father began, "Here's the God's truth. Seven years ago
your mum and I wanted a baby boy. So we ordered a beautiful baby boy
choice was all sold out, so they sent us you instead, parcel post."
Roger laughed lightly to himself then grinned across the tub at his
son. To his horror Nigel's eyes welled up in great tears and he began
to cry.
"No, no! Don't cry! I was just joking!" his father begged, quite
mortified, "Come here, son."
Reluctantly, Nigel wiped his eyes with two fists and sloshed over to
his father's side. Roger hoisted him up on his thigh.
"Don't be such a baby. I'm sorry," Rodger chided, putting an arm
around the boy and giving him a kiss. "That's not how we got you, and
for. Please don't tell Mummy that I made you cry."
"I won't tell," Nigel stuttered and sniffled, then with deep sincerity
looked up into his father's eyes. "I'm sorry I said your story was
"I'll admit is sounds rather farfetched," his father replied with a
smirk, "But it is true."
"If it's true," the boy began, wiping his nose, "Can you show me?"
"Show you?" he laughed, "Show you what?"
"Make it shoot," Nigel replied and reached for his father's penis.
"Make it shoot pollywogs, Daddy."
For Roger, there seemed only one escape.
"Angela!" the man bellowed.
HMSVV 2011
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