".........there either is or is not a way things are. The color of the
day, the way it felt to be a child.......the feeling of saltwater on
your
sunburned legs......sometimes the water is yellow.....sometimes it's
red........but what color it may be in memory..........depends on the
day.
......i'm not going to tell the story the way that it happened......
...............i'm going to tell it the way I remember it...."
Great Expectations...1999
Chapter I: In The Beginning.......
This all started when I was about 13 years old. My older sister Martha
and her boyfriend Jake owned a CD shop in The City. We didn't make a
lot
of money, but we made enough to keep clothing on our backs and food on
the table. All things considered I was pretty happy. My name is Seth.
My
parents had died about 5 years ago in a car accident coming home from
a
party at a friend's house. It was so sudden, and me being only 8 years
old at the time, I took it pretty hard. I miss them terribly, but I am
getting by now. My sister who was already in her 20s took care of me.
Now
13 years old....black hair, blue eyes the color of the sky on a clear
and
beautiful day, with little brown freckles around my nose and cheeks.
My
sister was always telling me how much of a cutie I was, but god it's
my
sister. Some of the girls in school thought I was cute, but I just
wasn't
interested. Even though I showed no interest in girls, I didn't
exactly
catch a boner every time I thought a guy that was cute either. My
sister
said that I was late bloomer. She showed that she loved me and told me
no
matter what happened, her feelings wouldn`t change. She said that I
would always be her little "ankle-bitter".
Like I said I was pretty much indifferent to girls and guys....I just
wanted to have fun. That was until the day that he walked in. It all
started off innocently enough. When he walked into the shop with a few
of
his friends. I was just sweeping up when all of a sudden a squeaky
voice
just sort of said
"....excuse me....".
When I looked up it was like WHAM!!! His eyes caught a hold of me and
wouldn't let me go. I just stared at him and couldn't take my eyes off
of
him. He was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen. Green eyes,
brown hair with kind of a reddish hue to it. Fair skin, nice full
lips,
and the cutest little button nose that you ever would have wanted to
see.
We just stared at each other for the longest time. I had never seen
him
before, but in that instance....I knew that I wanted to know him
forever.
One of his friends was laughing at a joke that must have been passed
around amongst the others and just put his hands around his shoulder
and
ask him if he found out where the CD was. He called him Shane. His
friend
jarred him out of the daze, but I was hooked. All I could muster is to
point my finger in a direction, I don't even know what CD they were
looking for. But his friend pulled him away with him and they just
kept
talking and laughing while I just looked at him. From the first time
since I saw him I finally got a chance to see his whole body. He
looked
to be about my age. Even though he had baggy clothes on you could see
that he was slim by the way that the clothes hung off of his body. He
was
trying not to stare at me, but he kept on sneaking peaks back at me. I
didn't have that problem, as I couldn't take my eyes off of him for
one
second. The rest of the store didn't get swept up because I only stood
in
one spot. I stared at him as he laughed at whatever his friends were
laughing at. When they left, I was still floored by this kids beauty.
I
knew his name was Shane, and I was determined if anything to meet this
kid. Hell I would have given my left foot just to know what kind of
soap
he used. I still had to do my work at the shop. I was scheduled to be
there for another 3 hours. After I was done I decided that I would
look
around the neighborhood and see if I could find him or his friends. No
such luck, I couldn't find him.
Even though I wanted to see the guy again, I didn't. Life went on. I
didn't think that my life was gonna end if I didn`t see him again.
Even
though he was hands down the most beautiful boy I have ever seen. But
what could I do, the only thing that I knew about this kid was his
first
name. I wanted to see him again, but I guess fate had other plans, so
I
just chalked it up as a lose, and figured never to see this guy again.
About a week and a half later I was working the CD shop on a Saturday
while my sister stepped out to do some shopping. I had just finished
ringing up a customer when all of a sudden in walked the kid....Shane,
with about 4 other customers. I saw that he was sneaking peeks at me
while pretending to look for some CD's. I figured that I was not gonna
let this chance slip away. I was gonna meet him even if I was gonna
make
a fool of myself. I was the only one in the shop and decided that I
would
help the consumers out. I made a straight line over to Shane. Walking
over to Shane I was so nervous. My palms were sweating and I was
getting
pretty warm under the collar. But it was now or never.
"hi....."
"hello..."
"can I help you with something...?"
"oh.....no.....I think I have it......" he said with a weak smile
holding
up a CD
"Liza Maneli's Greatest Hits?" I smiled..
"oh....no.....sorry..."
He fidgeted as he nervously put the CD back on the rack to pick up the
Limp Bizkut CD.
"this one....." he smiled at me while he showed me the new CD.
"my names' Seth..." as I stuck my hand out to shake his.
"Shane...."
I was shaking so bad I thought I would have shaken all of the loose
change that he had in his pockets. His hand was so warm and soft. I
almost melted right there. I just stared in his eyes and smiled. He
did
the same. Just then the phone rang. Waking me from my daydream. I ran
to
the front of the store to answer the phone. While I was talking Shane
had
left the store. I was disappointed that I had missed him leave, but on
the register was a slip of paper that read...."nice to meet you
Seth..."
I just looked at the paper and smiled. Shane came back to the store a
few
more times. Each time we talked to each other a little more. I found
out
that he lived in the heart of the city. That he went to Bedford
Academy.
A prep school in the country. This school was known for it's members
families being the richest in the whole country. Why he came downtown
to
slum it out with a poor kid like me I didn't know. I wanted it to be
for
obvious other reasons. I mean I knew that I liked Shane. He was
gorgeous.
But I was still not sure about what that meant for me. Whether I
wanted
to do something with him, or if I just wanted to be near him. I know
that
I was happier when he was around. That it felt good when he would
laugh
at something that I had said. But I still didn't know if I wanted
something more. Over the course of time I guess that we started to get
pretty familiar with each other. Not friends mind you, but I did
notice
that he started to come to the shop a lot more than he used to.
Then one Friday while walking past a building, he was just coming home
from school. He was in a uniform. We greeted each other and he asked
me
if I wanted to come up. I of course said yes even though I had to be
to
work at the shop in about a half hour. The door man greeted both me
and
him as he held the door for us to enter. On the ride up the elevator
to
his apartment, the conversation was casual. When we walked into the
apartment, my jaw was floored. The only thing that I could say was
wow.
The place looked more like a museum than an apartment, and it was
huge.
He said that there were only two apartments to each floor. He lead me
to
his room and asked me if I wanted to look at TV, play some video
games,
or just listen to music. I opted the video game. He started the video
game while he went to get changed into some more comfortable clothes.
His
uniform wasn't as baggy as his regular clothes. You could actually see
his body. He had the cutest little butt. That put me a little on the
defensive. Here the guy just invited me up to his place, and the only
thing that I could do is check him out. I had to cool it. When he
returned he was wearing a t-shirt and a pair of shorts. He had no hair
on
his legs and they looked firm. Not too muscular, but firm. I saw a
little
of his stomach as he was pulling his shirt down, just a tease of
flesh,
but enough to know that he didn't have any hair on his stomach. I was
sitting on the floor just playing some fighting game. He could have
sat
on the bed or in one of the chairs in his room, but he sat down next
to
me on the floor. As we played the game you could tell that he was
getting
into it. Moving his body all around and getting closer to me with
every
movement and jerk of his body. Soon enough we were touching with every
movement that we made with the game. After about 15 or so games we put
the controllers down and just talked a little. You know the
usual......school.....friends...parents. He told me about when his
father
died when he was 9 years old , and I told him about my parents. We
both
talked about how hard it was when his dad died, and my parents died.
When he asked me if I had a girlfriend...I just looked down at the
floor
and said no. I looked up at him to return to question to him and meet
his
eyes. He just continued to look at me and shook his head no. We stared
at
each other for I don't know how long. There was no one there to stop
us
from staring at each other either. Just then my cell phone went off.
As I
answered it was my sister. She wanted to know where I was, since I was
supposed to be at the shop about 20 minutes ago. She said that she had
to
go to the bank and buy some food for dinner tonight, and that Jake
wouldn't be back from his job for about another hour. She wanted to
get
to the bank before it closed.
".........ummm.....I gotta get to work......."
"okay, I will talk to you later."
"Okay...see you later."
"...Seth, do you want to come back by later maybe?"
"Maybe...I will ask my sister if I can....call me later tonight."
"It's a deal..."
I collected my things and was on my way to the door. I almost knocked
over a woman on my way out of the building. I muttered some type of
apology and just kept going. To say the least that my mind was
elsewhere
was an understatement. On the home....I just thought. I mean I knew at
this point that I liked Shane more than anyone that I had ever met in
my
entire life. But I was scared beyond anything that I had ever felt in
my
life. What did this mean? Was I gay? Did I want to have sex with him?
I
know that me and Shane didn't do anything, and I know that all we did
was stare at each other, but it was weird. I know that I wanted to do
more than stare at that moment. When we touched as we moved when we
were
playing the game. It was like electricity going through my body with
each
touch. I didn't exactly know what I was feeling, but I know that I
wanted to do more than just touch him, but what, and more importantly,
did he feel the same way? What would he think of me if he knew what I
was
thinking?
I thought of doing something like that with a guy. I never even knew
that
I could feel that way about another person. But it is wrong to feel
this
way, right? I mean last month I remember a kid, named Greg got beat
up.
It was after school and a rumor had been going around the school that
he
had sucked off another kid during a basketball game. It was about 3
guys
that just beat that kid. I felt that it was wrong what they did, but
didn't he deserve it??? Of course he didn't deserve it. But this image
freaked me out. This is what I saw happening to me. The kids that did
it
were caught and charges were brought against them. The principal even
called an assembly for the school. Telling everyone that that type of
behavior would not be tolerated at his school. Not only would you be
suspended, but charges would be filed against you. Even after all of
that, the kid was called names and outcaste by everyone. He had his
friends, and by what I saw, all of them didn't stick with him. The
word
"fag" was painted on his locker numerous times. He has been called
every
bad thing in the book. But the saddest thing about the whole situation
is
that it was only a rumor that started this whole thing, and it is
still a
rumor that hasn't been confirmed. It's unknown whether or not the kid
actually did this. No one even knew if the kid was gay or not. Not
that
it really mattered anyway. No human being should be treated like that.
I
can't take that type of thing happening to me. Plus the fact that I
wasn't ready for anything to happen. I mean I was so confused about
what
I was feeling.
What next.....would we have sex.....and even if by some means we did
do
something with each other, what would we do? All this was just me
thinking to myself. Because I didn't even know how he felt for me. I
know that there was some interest on both of our parts. The looks that
were given were made by both of us, not just me. I had no idea that it
would be this hard. What would I do. I had to contain these feelings.
Make them go away. I mean to feel this way about another boy is wrong
right? I couldn't take being treated like Greg was. I couldn't take
being beaten up. Especially since I knew that I had feeling for Shane.
Plus think of how this would affect Martha. What would she think of
having a "fag" for a little brother. Wanting to borrow her make-up and
everything. Just what she needed, a little sister! I could hear her
now...."mom and dad would have been so disappointed....." I couldn't
do this to myself. I especially couldn't do this to her!
By the time that I reached the CD shop, my sister was behind the
counter
and the part time employee, a local college student named Laura was at
the store. She just tapped her wrist signaling that I was late. I went
to
the back to change when I just sat down and started to shake
uncontrollably. Martha came in back to see why I was late when she saw
me. She immediately came to my side and hugged me. Asking me what
happened. I couldn't tell her anything. Me and my sister kept few
secrets
from each other, but I couldn't tell her this one. I told her that
nothing was wrong, but she wouldn't let up. She could always tell when
I
was lying to her. I don't know how, but she could always tell. She
just
said okay. But at some point I would have to talk to her about what
happened. She told me to go up stairs and get some rest. She and Laura
could handle the shop until closing by themselves. I went straight to
my
room. I just lay on my bed and stared at the ceiling. What was going
on.
I couldn't figure it out. I thought that by me just getting out of
there
I would start to feel better, but that didn't help. I still felt like
crap. I still had no idea of what to do. I don't know. What should I
do?
This is how me and Shane started out. We didn't discover that we loved
each other and had mad passionate sex. It started out with us just
staring at each other every chance we got. I was just a scared little
boy. I didn't know if he liked me too. Not all little 13 year old boys
want to hop in the sack with the first thing that comes along.
Programmed
by society to be a certain way....that if you don't follow the same
path
or practices that everyone else around you is following you should be
an
outcaste. Made an example of what happens to those that don't fit in
with
what the status quos is. Thinking that everyone that you love...your
friends....family would disown you. Mock you. And in the most extreme
cases (which happens a little too often for comfort) mame you. The
fact
that, at that age....even when we put up the facade that we don't need
the approval of anyone to be what we want to be. That we can be
individuals...not following a certain pattern.....that we are stronger
than our parents were at our age. Being more aware of what is going on
in
the world today, and showing that we are dealing with it. That we can
handle it......we still live our lives in fear....fear that if someone
sees us and calls us out apart from everyone else....that they will
call
us freaks. Trying our hardest to live the fantasy lives that the music
industry has made for us. We are not skinny enough, we don't have the
right skin. My body is not defined enough. These aren't the right type
of
jeans to wear. Funny huh........to be continued
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