john szalay <john.szalayatatt.net> wrote in
news:XnsA622D8876E942johnszalayattnet@216.166.97.131:
> Jess Lurkin <NiceGuy@3456.com> wrote in n
>>
>> Thanks John for the B-17 pics. But on this current subject,
>> do you have that funny document about orders for repairs
>> which the mechs sent back with humorous responses?
>> Lost my copy during an upgrade. Too much fun! TIA!
>>
>
>
>
> Problem: "Smoke in cabin."
> Solution: "Aircrew reminded fleet is no-smoking these days."
>
> Problem: "Bad smell in cockpit (B-747)."
> Solution: "Advice crew to wash every day."
>
> Problem: "Missile slow to leave rail."
> Solution: "Use a real missile. Missile is a Cap9 (captive trainer)."
>
> Problem: "IFF Knob binding, hard to turn."
> Solution: "IFF 'push to turn' knob works correctly when pushed to
turn."
>
> Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) won't track on the ground."
> Solution: "System fully operational, flightsuit insert inop (side stick
> controller)."
>
> Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) tone very weak, almost inaudible."
> Solution: "Turn up the volume."
>
> Problem: "Rear cockpit HUD repeater unviewable, looked like squiggly
> porn."
> Solution: "HBO ordered MICAP zero Ballance."
>
> Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
> Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
>
> Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
> Solution: "Evidence removed."
>
> Problem: "Target Radar hums."
> Solution: "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics."
>
> Problem: "Number three engine missing."
> Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
>
> Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
> Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
>
> Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
> Solution: "Live bugs on order."
>
> Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
> Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
>
> Problem: "IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative."
> Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode"
>
> Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
> Solution: "That's what they're there for."
>
> Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
> Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
>
> Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
> Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
>
> Problem 1: "No. 2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
> Solution 1: "No. 2 Propeller seepage normal."
> Problem 2: "No. 1, No. 3, and No. 4 propellers lack normal seepage."
>
> Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
> Solution: "IT DOES NOW."
>
> Problem: "Roaches in galley."
> Solution: "Fed and watered roaches"
>
> Problem: "Laboratory mice loose in bag bin."
> Solution: "No cat this station."
>
> Problem: "Aircraft handles FUNNY."
> Solution: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be
serious."
>
> Problem :"UHF does not work in Official mode."
> Solution: " Found short between the headphones."
>
> Problem: "Anti Collision Strobe Intermitently on."
> Solution: "Removed and Replaced Side Stick Actuator."
>
> Problem: "Sounds like little man is beating on the bottom of the floor
> with a hammer."
> Solution: "Took hammer from man and made him promise not to do it
again."
>
> Problem: "Bugs smashed on canopy."
> Solution: "Gave bugs coffee and told them to move along."
>
> Problem: "Crew door hard to close." (on a KC-135)
> Solution: "Green suit needs to up his wheaties intake."
>
> Problem: "No. 3 engine knocks at idle"
> Solution: "No. 3 engine let in for a few beers"
>
> Problem: "Funny smell in cockpit"
> Solution: "Pilot told to change cologne"
>
> Problem: "The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn."
> Solution: "Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated
> turn."
>
> Problem: "Transponder inoperative."
> Solution: "Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode."
>
Bless your Heart. Thank You Very Much!
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